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I can’t tell you what just happened;
I can’t say with complete certainty
what everything all means;
I can’t make sense why things are the way they are,
because none of what occurred was in no way planned.
I can’t forget what was said, because it meant so much-
it still does;
I can’t be someone I am not-
no matter how hard I try, no matter what direction I try to go in,
I feel in limbo, stuck in quick sand, frozen in-between,
and no one can understand how hard it is for me to not think
about the fractured mirror of my memories
that can’t ever be reformed whole in the same way again-
because there are shards and pieces missing,
and the glass will now always be covered in cracks.

It’s raining outside today.
I am crying a monsoon of tears inside.
The weather is symbolic and an expression of how I am feeling-
cold, clouded, grey, uncertain, depressing;
I can’t help but question what people have said to me in the past
and rethink their sentiments,
and I wish I could restore so easily what I have lost
and what has been taken away, because I can’t take back and collect
all the tears that I have cried.

I just want the sun to come out and burn away the clouds
and make things how they were again;
I just want to know without any doubt that I am not going mad,
that I didn’t just imagine the world that I saw
and thought I knew;
I just don’t want to be told what I want to hear-
I want what I have always wanted:
a life to share with someone, inspiration, friends, family, love,
and a happy new year.

The future feels more uncertain now than it has ever been-
there is still hope, light, energy, holding on to me,
sustaining me, reminding me that not all that we lose is lost forever,
and right now that is what I need.

I wont walk away.
I wont forget.
I wont delete anyone from my life.
I wont retouch or alter the picture emblazoned in my head.
I wont stop hoping.
I wont stop believing.
I wont tear up anything and throw it in the bin.
I will come to understand what has happened one day, I am sure,
but until then I will remember everything,
and go back and figure out what has changed and why,
and perhaps what I could have and should have seen and done something about,
but the question is: where do I begin?

1/1/2014,
Starbucks, Coventry

It’s gone! It’s abandoned me!
A cloud has amassed, a fog has engulfed me.
My spark of inspiration has been extinguished,
the aura of life has lost its glow;
my identity, my imagination, my world is close to death-
I am in-between realities, I am in limbo.

Silence is now the language of my thoughts,
my life’s purpose is stuck in a fugue;
I feel like my entire universe has ended, void- and I am alone, solitary, nude.

The poetry of the galaxy used to be my natural tongue,
the rhyme and the reason of things was my field of view;
but now I can’t tell up from down, beauty from emptiness,
what is false from what is true.
My greatest fear has been realized, I have fallen from grace;
I feel as if I am floating free of anchor in an un-star-spangled space.

I read, I watch, I talk, and I listen;
I stare at a computer screen, and at a white sheet of paper;
but when I try to write something, I feel like my muse and my mind is in prison.

This is the end. I have failed. My days have ran out, like the sands of time.
No more poems. No more poetry. No more inspiration. No more rhyme.

Then I see it. Then the sun rises.
The explosion of creation; the messenger, known by many guises
arrives, as it has has done so many times before,
with a gift of hope- the key to an ever-present, but unseen door-
and also with an answer as to why I am here;
why we are sometimes overflowing with inspiration and new ideas;
and why it is important to truly embrace joy, and to shed a tear.

I feel like I am myself again.
I feel like the veil of uncertainty has lifted.
I feel like I am ready to live and write the poetry of my life,
and to share the love and the purpose that I have been gifted.

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