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Sitting alone in the dark,
thinking, remembering, feeling far too much,
I feel unloved, I feel out of touch,
I want the room I am sitting in to swallow me whole
and return me again to the start.

I hate every second of this,
I hate who I have become,
I just have one wish:
to go back to a time when I was happy,
and every day of my life was filled
with inspiration, joy, friends, and fun.

You can’t undo a choice,
you can’t unmake a bad call,
you can’t un-say words that came from your mouth
in your own voice,
you can’t rise in one piece from a fall.

I have this urge to turn my back on everything
and forget about the entire world,
I have this instinct to severe all connections that I have
and force myself to unlearn what I have learned.

I want to be loved,
I want to be important to someone,
I want to be hugged,
I want to be free of this weight on my shoulders
that feels like it weighs a ton.

I am listening to music which I know
will take me away and make me forget the pain I am feeling,
I am writing my thoughts and feelings in a poem
because this is the only way for me to get out
what is inside me that is burning me alive from the inside out,
like the fires of hell that you can’t escape from
even after getting on your knees and asking for forgiveness
while repenting.

Hope is a distant memory.
Peace of mind is a mirage.
I have never felt so lost or so lonely.
I have never felt so small in a universe
that is so vast and large.

I can’t see the big picture anymore,
because my view is always on zoom,
I can’t envision things getting better
or me ever feeling like I used to-
but like a photographer developing their own photographs,
I guess I will just have to wait and see
who and what comes out of the dark room.

Today is the last day of the year;
today is day 365;
today is the last day I will be and feel this way,
but it’s ok- I know this is how it has to be, so there is no fear;
today is still my day to shine like a star,
live and feel alive.

This last year has been indescribable.
These last 12 months, these last 52 weeks,
have been incredible-
some of the best days, hours, minutes,
and moments of my life;
but there are memories that I never want to revisit,
there are feelings I don’t want to remember,
and I must say that admitting that does make me feel awful-
because to me memories and experiences have always been precious,
and gifts that I hold on to and look at every day,
and never take for granted or throw away.

I am fortunate to be able to go back and read where I was,
what I was thinking, what I was feeling, on a particular day,
because I write and record my life for everyone and anyone
to read, and describe who I am at a specific moment in time,
encapsulated within a photo, a poem, an insight, or a rhyme;
I am thankful to have the life I have-
to be able to have a heart and feel the energy of love
burning in my chest, and to be able to feel
the intense pain of heart-break.
I feel pity for the people who have hurt me.
I feel happy, and I wish the best for the people
who have been so giving to me in infinite ways,
and every day give me my daily muse and inspiration,
who are amazing, my friends-
the hopeful, the great, the kind.

Looking over my shoulder at the year that has gone by,
I want to smile, I want to laugh, I want to sing,
I want to close my eyes, I want to remember,
I want to forget, I want to cry.
Looking back and remembering all that has happened to me,
it feels like an entire life-time happened before my eyes,
as if it all happened within a flash of light,
or the blink of an eye-
I went to places and I met people that I will never forget,
and I never want to;
I travelled forward and backwards in time,
but even though for a while there I forgot my daily mantra,
and stopped believing in my own philosophy,
I am now in no confusion that everything happens for a reason,
and all that goes around and makes us who we are
is just a matter of time.

The most important thing to know and never forget
is to never give up, no matter who makes you believe
that you are wrong to believe everything
will turn out fine in the end-
the most important person to believe in is yourself,
because you are who you have to focus on first,
because you are you first and your last friend.

This year has been the year from heaven,
and the year from hell.
This year has taught me and showed me over and over again
that we are meant to do things and meet people,
because they are the vital stitches and fabric
of our patchwork destiny,
and the dreams that come true when we make a wish
and throw our hopes into life’s wishing well.

2013 was a good year, and it was a bad year;
to be honest, 2013 was a bit of everything-
it was unlike no other year I have ever lived in my entire life;
2013 was sad, wonderful, enlightening, exciting, intense-
there were experiences that I had which still make me smile even now,
when I have never felt more content,
and there were times when it felt like I had been stabbed in the chest
by a knife.

But it is ok. Everything is good.
My year was filled with death, mourning, deep thought, contemplation,
new friends, new inspiration, new and fantastic adventures,
new horizons, new life, new love;
and I have hope and I already know that 2014 is going to be the year
I have been waiting for all my life,
and I look forward to seeing, showing, and sharing my life
with you who are reading this,
because there are so many people that I look forward to meeting,
and there are so many things and places that I am dying to see,
where I can’t wait to return to, and where I have never been.
2014 can’t come soon enough.
So I welcome 2014 with open arms,
and I say goodbye with a wave to 2013.

Happy New Year! 🙂

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Order, peace- obliterated within an instant.
Chalices of life all extinguished,
as if they were in the path of a supernovas front.
The deafening scream that follows
will forever follow them into their nightmares;
the chaos that ensues, the hysteria that spreads like a contagion through the air,
elevates the newly-inducted demon to greater heights-
to a vantage point, from where the sun is hell
and the days are forever night.
There is no going back:
once they start down this path they are already dead;
they will beg their entire life
to be freed from the voices that reside in their head.
Pandemonium is now their paradise, Earth is no longer their home;
they are no longer human, they have crossed over into the forbidden zone-
the place where you go when you sacrifice your humanity;
the place where you die,
forever spiraling down a bottomless chasm of insanity.
What they have done is not without consequence,
what they have committed to is an existence without recompense,
what they are now is who they will always be;
they will never truly know what they have done, nor what could have been.

For those who are left behind,
for those who must try to grieve and move on;
for those whose lives have been shattered by this demon,
their world is now gone.
The demon is now on a road to self-destruction,
but his casualties still remain-
they must now come to terms with their loss and try to weather the pain.
Creating a state of hate,
inciting a pandemonium of chaos here on Earth
is not the dream of any child
when they are looking up at their parents from birth.
I will never understand murder,
to me their is no condoning the taking of another’s life;
even a demon can’t escape oblivion,
and one day they too will face the Grim Reapers scythe.

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