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I can’t tell you what just happened;
I can’t say with complete certainty
what everything all means;
I can’t make sense why things are the way they are,
because none of what occurred was in no way planned.
I can’t forget what was said, because it meant so much-
it still does;
I can’t be someone I am not-
no matter how hard I try, no matter what direction I try to go in,
I feel in limbo, stuck in quick sand, frozen in-between,
and no one can understand how hard it is for me to not think
about the fractured mirror of my memories
that can’t ever be reformed whole in the same way again-
because there are shards and pieces missing,
and the glass will now always be covered in cracks.

It’s raining outside today.
I am crying a monsoon of tears inside.
The weather is symbolic and an expression of how I am feeling-
cold, clouded, grey, uncertain, depressing;
I can’t help but question what people have said to me in the past
and rethink their sentiments,
and I wish I could restore so easily what I have lost
and what has been taken away, because I can’t take back and collect
all the tears that I have cried.

I just want the sun to come out and burn away the clouds
and make things how they were again;
I just want to know without any doubt that I am not going mad,
that I didn’t just imagine the world that I saw
and thought I knew;
I just don’t want to be told what I want to hear-
I want what I have always wanted:
a life to share with someone, inspiration, friends, family, love,
and a happy new year.

The future feels more uncertain now than it has ever been-
there is still hope, light, energy, holding on to me,
sustaining me, reminding me that not all that we lose is lost forever,
and right now that is what I need.

I wont walk away.
I wont forget.
I wont delete anyone from my life.
I wont retouch or alter the picture emblazoned in my head.
I wont stop hoping.
I wont stop believing.
I wont tear up anything and throw it in the bin.
I will come to understand what has happened one day, I am sure,
but until then I will remember everything,
and go back and figure out what has changed and why,
and perhaps what I could have and should have seen and done something about,
but the question is: where do I begin?

1/1/2014,
Starbucks, Coventry

You can’t conceive of the pain,
you don’t realize how much it will hurt,
you don’t know how close you are to a fire
until you get burned.
When someone breaks your heart,
when someone sets your mind alight,
when someone clouds your vision,
when someone tears your feelings apart,
when someone takes you above and beyond
and then drops you from a great height,
you become a shadow of yourself-
scarred, dark, lost-
you feel like you are coming undone.
You feel like you want to get even,
you feel like you want them to know
and to feel what you are going through;
but it doesn’t matter:
who they are, who they were,
they no longer are, and they never were.

I wear the invisible scars of a man
who has dared to touch the fire of too many flames,
who has been enticed by the heat and the light
of more false-stars than I would care to name-
they shine for a short-time,
but then their true-self is revealed:
they seek attention and love from anything and anyone
that they can, and then they return to what is familiar to them-
leaving their heart-broken victim to pick themselves back up again;
and it is then that you can, and should, lift up your head,
move on from the pain that aches in your chest,
and eventually feel healed.

Everything that we send out comes back to us;
every voice in a dark tunnel gets returned;
every heart-breaker will one day become the heart-broken-
so remember that if you are the one who has ever done the burning,
or if you are someone who has ever been burned.

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