Sitting alone in the dark,
thinking, remembering, feeling far too much,
I feel unloved, I feel out of touch,
I want the room I am sitting in to swallow me whole
and return me again to the start.

I hate every second of this,
I hate who I have become,
I just have one wish:
to go back to a time when I was happy,
and every day of my life was filled
with inspiration, joy, friends, and fun.

You can’t undo a choice,
you can’t unmake a bad call,
you can’t un-say words that came from your mouth
in your own voice,
you can’t rise in one piece from a fall.

I have this urge to turn my back on everything
and forget about the entire world,
I have this instinct to severe all connections that I have
and force myself to unlearn what I have learned.

I want to be loved,
I want to be important to someone,
I want to be hugged,
I want to be free of this weight on my shoulders
that feels like it weighs a ton.

I am listening to music which I know
will take me away and make me forget the pain I am feeling,
I am writing my thoughts and feelings in a poem
because this is the only way for me to get out
what is inside me that is burning me alive from the inside out,
like the fires of hell that you can’t escape from
even after getting on your knees and asking for forgiveness
while repenting.

Hope is a distant memory.
Peace of mind is a mirage.
I have never felt so lost or so lonely.
I have never felt so small in a universe
that is so vast and large.

I can’t see the big picture anymore,
because my view is always on zoom,
I can’t envision things getting better
or me ever feeling like I used to-
but like a photographer developing their own photographs,
I guess I will just have to wait and see
who and what comes out of the dark room.